My Addled Brain

Pirates of the Carribean: Dead Man’s Chest

Davy Jones is no match
for the fearsome might of the
Ghost Pirate LeChuck

It’s a fun movie, to be sure - and as I always say, everything is better with the careful addition of pirates to the narrative. Granted, this is an overblown Jerry Bruckheimer production, but that just means you have to switch the brain a little more off than usual. But even a fully disengaged brain can’t help but watch this and realize it’s watching the Monkey Island movie. The only things missing were a used boat salesman and perhaps a little more insult swordfighting:

Norrington: You fight like a dairy farmer!
Jack: How appropriate, you fight like a… *spaces out for a bit* … tip of my tongue …
Will (offscreen): A cow.
Jack: *eyes flash wide momentarily* Right! A cow. Knew it would come to me.

I should write screenplays for money.

Superman Returns:

No doubt about it;
Supes is one creepy stalker.
Get him registered.

I’d love to say that it took me three weeks to come up with that haiku, but clearly, that’s not the case. But somehow, the premise behind this movie seems to parallel my life right now. I feel like I’ve been lost in space for months, trying to figure out exactly what my place is. Am I the web designer? The blogger? The IT admin? The entrepreneur?

As of late, I’ve been none of these.

The other night, I set down a list of everything that I both need to do, and want to do, in the short term future. It’s a surprisingly long list. And no wonder I’ve felt lost - I keep trying to do all of them at once. As a consequence, I get none of them done.

You’d think I was a wreck lately with all of this soul-searching and whining. But not everything has been a wretched morass. I’m seeing someone new, someone about as different as anyone I’ve ever dated. She’s not what people might peg as “my type” - at least not at first. For example, some people might think she’s out of my league. And this might just be true. But then, I think all men try to date out of their league. It just seems to have worked for me.

At any rate, I plan to spend this weekend going through that list and figuring out a game plan - what’s most important, what’s not important, and everything inbetween. And then…

X-Men: The Last Stand:

Telekinetic
cocoon? Might as well have been
a tachyon field.

Basically, Patrick Stewart can’t quite get away from his ST:tNG roots with that BS explanation for bringing someone back from the dead. And honestly, it’s really, really bad form to use viral as source material for for your movie.

Well, there are exceptions. But in that case, viral isn’t just source material, it’s what the movie should have been in the first place.

The DaVinci Code

Richard Lewis plays
in the role of a lifetime.
You mean that’s Tom Hanks?

Not a bad movie, mind you. But I figured the big secret out about halfway into it.

No, I didn’t read the book. I’m not quite that obvious.

Anyway, I honestly don’t see what the big fracas is with the movie. It’s clearly fiction. If you feel you have to protest (or ban) a movie because you find it offensive to your faith…well, that just tells me you fear for the resiliency of your faith. If that is something you fear - it really doesn’t say much for your faith, now does it?

Slither

Thank God, the return
of the alien/zombie/
love story. Brilliant!

V for Vendetta

So, Benny Hill is
a revolutionary?
It all makes sense now…

Underworld: Evolution

The “Rocky V” of
vampire action movies.
Wait, I mean “Ishtar”.

Despite Kate Beckinsale’s best attempts to keep my eyes on the screen (leather body suits seem to do that for some reason), this movie failed to truly hold my attention. And why is it that vampires always have great looking chicks in impossible outfits, while I have yet to see a female werewolf?

Also - I’m certain I’ve covered this before, but a memo to parents: If you don’t have a sitter for your three year old, I suggest you either plan for a family night out, or stay at home, instead of TAKING YOUR SMALL CHILD TO A HORROR ACTION MOVIE. I’m not a parent, but even I can make this call. It’s easy. Young children should not be at the rated R movie. Period. I don’t care that you really want to see this movie. I don’t care that you thought the last one was great. I don’t care that you aren’t smart enough to use the babysitting area provided in the LOBBY OF THE THEATER to keep them occupied while you watch what you want to watch. DON’T BRING YOUR KID, WHO CANNOT HANDLE THE MOVIE AT HIS/HER AGE. If you do, you have failed the parenting test, and should be beaten by parents who did the responsible thing with their children. You’re probably the same ones who defend the actions of your child against their teachers or other adults, instead of disciplining them when they do wrong. YOU MAKE THE WORLD A WORSE PLACE FOR ALL OF US, INCLUDING YOUR CHILDREN.

I need more coffee.

King Kong:

The definitive
monster film. Touches all of
my geeky bits well.

Block off that three hours for the movie, it’s well worth it. Best part - Kong goes American History X on a T-Rex. No, really.

Walk the Line

They left out his guest
appearance on Columbo.
Revisionist Jerks.

It has the standard biopic moves, except Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon do their own singing. They’re quite good, but Joaquin can’t quite hit the same vocal range as Cash, much less sound as tortured.

Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

You might not know it
from the movie; apparently
Hogwart’s is a school.

But since we all know that school and teachers are boring, they decided to skip all that and just stick with the parts that deal with dragons and embarrasing attempts at talking to girls. Now that I’m thinking about it, my first date was a lot like Harry’s. Only there weren’t any midget conductors or dudes that could turn themselves into sharks. There was an unfortunately aimed pool cue, however…

The Weather Man

If they make a flick
where nothing happens, will I
give a damn? Uh, nope.

People have compared this movie to Garden State. This would be a mistake; for several reasons. Garden State has characterization, warmth, humor, and a hot female. The Weather Man has mostly unlikable characters, coldness, unfunny situations, and people throwing things at Nick Cage, while he rambles on in a monotone narration. Feel free to miss the homage to James Joyce when he’s trying to remember the tartar sauce and stares at a girl’s ass.

Oh hell, now you want to see the movie, don’t you?