My Addled Brain

I love this time of year. People young and old from all over the country brave harsh arctic conditions (or in the case of our area, highs in the mid 60s, which as far as most folks around here are concerned are equivalent temperatures) to decorate their homes with lights, lawn ornaments, plastic figurines, and more recently, giant inflatable lit up holiday dioramas. While I admire the spirit behind such sentiment, I really do have to wonder what drives a person to look at that seven foot snowglobe, complete with “snow” that blows around inside, and think to themselves “you know, that would really compliment my three thousand icicle lights, twelve candy canes, the animated polar bear, and fifteen foot “MERRY CHRISTMAS” sign on my roof”.

Then again, I guess there’s not much wondering to that, is there?

Sadly, none of this may last. There’s a War on Christmas out there (brought to you by proud American Christian and Eric Deegans drinking buddy Bill O’Reilly) , you know. The subject has been done to death, however, so all I’ll add to the conversation is the thought that maybe, just maybe, Christmas had it coming.

You see, Christmas has already been waging war on us, and has been LONG before 9/11. A bunch of humbug, you say? If that’s so, then how do you explain this? An army of Santas terrorizing the streets of cities all across not just the US, but the world! Armies of rampaging, jolly fat men, declaring Santafada, armed with a hidden cache of cookies and milk to torment both the diabetic and the lactose intolerant.

And America is responding. With judicious use of “Happy Holidays” and the removal of anything utilizing words like Christmas, manger, and frankincense, America can take back our streets and cities from these insurgent Santanista rebels. No longer will we cower in our homes, fearing that counterattack might result in a coal-stockinged retaliation from those who wish to ruin the true meaning of the holiday season. Never give in to those cottonball bearded terrorists!

A federal judge in Pennsylvania has issued a ruling banning intelligent design from science classrooms. This verdict is a result of the now infamous Dover Area School Board (of Dover, Pennsylvania), who required students about to study evolution hear a statement referring to evolution as “not a fact” and has inexplicable “gaps”. As of press time, there was no word from right-wing (alleged) Christian and self-appointed mouthpiece for God, Pat Robertson, what Pennsylvania’s ultimate fate might be. Suspected options might be plagues of locusts or a hail of frogs - but it is more likely that the entire state shall be smote from the Earth in an awesome display of the almighty’s power.

Some of you might remember Our Savior Pat’s comments when the entire Dover school board was voted out a couple of months ago: “I’d like to say to the good citizens of Dover: If there is a disaster in your area, don’t turn to God. You just rejected him from your city”.

And Pat should know, he’s better than you.

I love the dollar coin. They’re convenient, fantastic for toll roads, and I get to feel like every day is a trip to the arcade when I have a pocket full of them. I used to request them when I got change from toll booth operators, back when I lived in Houston.

So I’d be lying if I said this didn’t make me happy. New dollar coins for at least nine years! Ten, if one more of our currently living presidents kicks the bucket between now and then. I don’t want them for collecting, nor do I honestly find the subject matter for the “heads” particularly interesting. But a matching, 24-karat gold set of presidential spouses? Now we’re talking, my friends. Maybe if they got Gil Elvgren to do the art. Mmm…Eleanor Roosevelt pin-up…

So what if he’s dead? If rappers can come out with albums for years after they bite it, why can’t artists have new works of art?

So I did something I normally don’t do - took one of them there online tests.

Like there was any doubt whatsoever.

I think I qualify, L. Now, where’s my baked goods?

Walk the Line

They left out his guest
appearance on Columbo.
Revisionist Jerks.

It has the standard biopic moves, except Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon do their own singing. They’re quite good, but Joaquin can’t quite hit the same vocal range as Cash, much less sound as tortured.

The Coca-Cola company unveiled a new marketing slogan for their flagship product today. The company now invites consumers to:

The Coke Side of Life.

For those not familiar with the origins of Coca-Cola, a brief history lesson: when first put out on the market in 1885 it was named for it’s two key “medicinal” ingredients - extracts of coca leaves and kola nuts. Coca leaf extract is more commonly known as cocaine, which was utilized in at least some measurement until 1929.

It seems this slogan is geared to bring people back to the humble origins of Coke. We here at Addled Brain fully applaud this retro effort - but retro 80’s is one thing - retro 1880’s is another entirely. The memorabilia market for the 1880’s is not quite the same (although, I’m waiting for VH1’s I Love the 1880’s, which should be out as soon as they quit strip-mining the decades after for content to feed to the mostly-slightly-famous). Which is why I think you can refer to the golden days of Coke the drink, while also utilizing the golden age of Coke the narcotic. In an effort to help the Coca-Cola company toward this goal, I offer this print ad as just a sample of what this approach might bring in terms of public interest.

Man, I need some Coke right now just looking at this ad. A bump should get me through the next hour.

I know what you’ve been thinking. Oh yes, deep in that heart of hearts, in the inky black spaces no one cares to mention actually exist, much less acknowledge - where you keep that fantasy about latex bodysuits, $264 worth of pudding, and a duck (or is that just me?) - I know your secret wish.

I wish I knew what the best posts on addledbrain.com were, as selected by the author using a painstaking process of actually reading each post and selecting the ones that don’t burn his eyes immediately.

Ka-ZAAM!

Wish…granted. I am nothing if not a benevolent dictator.

If you have any other nominations for best posts, let me know - but I’d wager the current list is too long as-is.

So, I’m thinking about acquiring a home digital music system. In my little fantasy land, where I really have a million dollars, right after I buy you a K-Car (a nice Reliant automobile!), I would pick up one of these. I am not an iPod geek by any stretch of the imagination - but this system is so well thought out and designed that both the technical nerd and music freak sides of my personality have ceased hostilities in the ongoing war over enjoying the new Paul McCartney album in order to commence slack-jawed drooling. Of course, that’s when the financial planner in me (if a psychiatrist were to size up the different people in me, if they didn’t run away screaming immediately, they would discover the FP would be a diminutive speck of a man - but he’d also be the one carrying the semiautomatic pistol) shows up and proceeds to piss on my cornflakes.

So, anyone have experiences with one of these digital media appliance thingies? I know Gax has one, and his input is definitely welcome here - but anyone else? Sarah? Anyone?