My Addled Brain

I am not the thickest skinned individual. Some events in my life should not cause me the pain that they do. Remembering past embarrasing incidents should not make me cringe with agony. Making mistakes should not be a reason to beat myself up. And the actions of others, no matter how callous, should not make me think to myself “why me”? It is this thought that haunts me right now, as I deal with my arrival at the office this morning to find everything being moved out, computers gone, books boxed, files packed, and a request to drive to the new office to make sure the network works properly. I said my goodbyes to everyone as I worked my way out, then stopped by to see Kerry.

Our CEO, who thought (along with the rest of us) that this move would take place at the end of the month, almost looked like he had been shot. Obviously, he didn’t expect this either. He came in with one purpose - to bring us new business and new profits. He had the plan, he had the motivation, and he had everyone’s approval. I can’t say where it went wrong - as the low man on the totem pole, I was the last to know anything there. I said goodbye, and shook his hand, and he told me, “You’re a heck of a guy.”

All I could say in response is, “You are too, Kerry…I only wish…”

I couldn’t complete the thought, but he nodded at me, mourning over the loss of something neither of us could name, but knew could never be replaced.

The entire drive, my stomach gnawed at me from the inside…as the sudden reality of my situation sank in. The immediate certainly of my life seems to have disappeared, and has been replaced with doubt, confusion, and uncertainty. It’s fun to feel bulletproof. It’s nearly horrifying to find out you’re not.

It’s not that I don’t understand the situation, and why things have turned out the way they have, and that it’s not my fault. But that doesn’t help my stomach any.

There wasn’t much to do at the new office, turned out to be an old glass and graphics shop - small front office with a large garage area behind it. Getting things set up was fairly easy, except for BrightWarner (or whatever they’re calling themselves these days) screwing up our IPs - but that got straightned out in short order. I went to lunch with Joe one last time, but I didn’t feel like eating much. We came back to the shop, I made a quick fix on a data entry page that was giving us some sudden trouble, and said our goodbyes.

Joe’s been my mentor ever since I was that snot nosed punk who wandered into the old Tampa office, looking for work, and not going away until I got it. Hell, it only took me two months to get my first paycheck. In the meantime, I worked in the back, building computers and taking them back again, with Joe showing me exactly how to mount the motherboard in the case, which way the memory went in, and how to automate a Windows install. He brought me back to Tampa when he saw I was stuck in a dead end that lead nowhere in Atlanta, and gave me the time and instruction to learn how to program and design web sites.

I owe a lot to that crusty old coot.

I drove home after a quick stop in Brooksville to set up some software for our accountants (who used to be our accountants before we started up this grand project nearly a year ago to get Groupware going again), and drove home, heavy of heart.

Some people say change is good, and that this change is exactly what I needed. I will admit, I felt stagnant where I was in my life, and needed a change to get past it. So why, now that this change has occurred, do I feel more stuck than I did before?